


One Man's Trash

by yihei



Series: NaNo Drabbles [2]
Category: Naruto, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: (Deidara thinks Dabi is a troll and you can't convince him otherwise), Affectionate Insults, Bad Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Conspiracy Theories, Crack, Dabi Regrets (Maybe), Deidara is So Done, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Property Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27378472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yihei/pseuds/yihei
Summary: Deidara’s not sure what he did to deserve this, but it was probably Danna’s fault (and maybe Tobi’s, too). There is no other explanation for why he’d been saddled with so many clowns —especiallyones that remind him so uncomfortably of the Akatsuki.(Well, thereisthe logical explanation of accidental space-time jutsus and parallel universes, but why bother with the details?He’s in a new world. There arepeoplewho need to be educated ontrueart. Need he say more?)
Relationships: Bubaigawara Jin | Twice & Toga Himiko, Dabi (My Hero Academia) & Deidara, Deidara & League of Villains
Series: NaNo Drabbles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996804
Comments: 3
Kudos: 98





	One Man's Trash

**Author's Note:**

> I have so much respect for people who write humour. Funny short stories are _hard_ to write, and anyone who writes them regularly is amazing! I wrote this for the Quirk no Jutsu zine giveaway and for my NaNo drabble challenge, but it was also fun to explore a character I hadn't thought about in years. There were many things I wanted to write for Deidara in the League, like all the Akatsuki names he gives everyone and Dabi's gradual conversion to the "true art" faction... unfortunately though, I ran out of words. Maybe I'll write more next time! Or write a reversal, where Dabi joins the Akatsuki!
> 
> Not very much is going to make sense in this story (both because I am very bad at keeping to word counts, and because this was written with nonsense in mind). It may be best to accept everything as it comes, but hopefully it's not too confusing ♡

“You have _got_ to be kidding me, yeah,” Deidara tells Dabi when they round the corner. “You’re telling me _this_ is your secret base?”

“Amazing, ain’t it? Nothing screams ‘evil organization’ like a filthy lair.”

Deidara side-eyes Dabi and shakes his head. He’d _like_ to think Dabi’s trolling him, but what he’s seen of Musutafu so far isn’t all that impressive. That, or Dabi’s really a troll disguised as a badly-patched human — it’d explain the whole ‘lair’ thing, at least.

It’d also explain many _other_ things about Dabi, like his attachment to scruffy clothing and how Deidara had stumbled upon him lurking beneath an overpass. If there were ways for non-humans to henge, just like there were ways for animals to be human-shaped and for civilians to use classified jutsu without hand signals, then what would stop Dabi from _actually_ being a troll?

“I’d tell you to take a picture,” Dabi says without looking at him, “but I’d set your hands on fire first.”

 _Yeah, he’s_ got _to be a mountain troll — one that burned his club instead of hefting it around._

What Deidara ends up saying (asking) is a slow, “You sure you’re not gonna extort me instead?”

“What, and have you call me Kakuzu again?” Dabi clicks his tongue. “Should’ve just made a Roman candle outta you instead of dragging you here.”

“At least I’d go out with a bang, yeah. It’d be even more artistic if you performed at it after!”

Dabi sneers and strides off. Deidara, well aware that Kakuzu would juggle all five of his hearts and do a little foxtrot if Deidara offered to pay him to perform, swallows down a snicker and trots after him.

“So anyway, anything I should know before I meet everyone?”

“Don’t die? Or actually, go ahead and die. Saves us the trouble of burning your sorry hide later.”

 _Mountain troll Kakuzu with a side of non-fanatical Hidan_ , Deidara decides. _I’m just gonna_ love _this League of his, yeah. Sounds like an entire circus already._

* * *

The inside of the shady bar has two people in it — a man in a skin-tight suit performing _backflips_ on top of the bar, and a little girl chattering at him from a stool beside it. Deidara stands by the doorway and does a quick scan of the room for genjutsus, but Dabi slinks right in and takes a seat by the girl.

“You’re back — and you brought us a new friend! **He looks like a sissy. Let’s throw him out with the trash later.** ”

“Don’t say that, Twice! He’s cute!” the girl declares. Deidara would be flattered, but she barely looks Academy-level — not to mention the way she’s licking her switchblade and eyeing him with Hidan-like fervour. “Can I keep him? Can I _love_ him?!”

“No, you brainless bimbo, you can’t carve him up for dessert,” Dabi sighs.

“Ugh, you’re not cute at _all_. Honestly, it’s just a few pints of blood — he’ll make it up in no time!”

Deidara takes a step back and narrows his eyes at mini-female-Hidan and Twice, who’s arguing with himself in a way that reminds him of Zetsu. Dabi’s starting to look like the sane one here, which isn’t boding well for Deidara’s opinion of this… _League_.

(Not that his opinion of the League had been high to begin with. If even _Dabi_ , one of its members, looked like he wouldn’t piss on it even if it was on fire...)

“ **You gonna stand there and gawp like an idiot forever?** You should tell us your name so we can be proper friends!”

“I’m not _gawping_ , yeah.” _There’s nothing much to_ gawp _at anyway, wannabe-Zetsu_. “So I know you’re Twice, and I’ve already met Dabi, but the little girl —”

“ **She might be little, but she’d kill you in a heartbeat.** Anyhow, you should call her Toga!”

“— yeah, that.”

“Hey! I’m not a _that_ , that’s mean!”

Deidara rolls his eyes heavenwards and grits his teeth. Kami save him from mini-female-Hidans that reminded him _far_ too much of Tobi too — and protective Zetsu guard-dogs miming throat-slitting at him. “Okay then, _Toga_. Would any of you mind telling me where the rest of your League is? Because there’s only three of you when I thought your League was an organisation.”

All three of them stare back at him. Deidara rolls his eyes again, prays for patience, and says in his Tobi-voice (or the one he’s unofficially dubbed ‘we do not discriminate against idiots, yeah, the gene pool will do it for me sooner or later’), “You guys have a leader? Someone who’s _not_ some homeless teen with too much hormonal angst to fit into society properly, maybe?”

Twice leans towards him, cups a hand to his mouth, and whispers in the loudest voice Deidara’s ever heard, “If you talk so loudly, Shigaraki might hear you! **Then I’ll get to see a live execution. The stains would be a _pain_ to remove, but at least it’d be fun.**”

“Please don’t stain the bar — it makes a bad first impression on our recruits, Twice.”

Deidara, along with the other three members of the League, turn as one to an empty spot of the bar — or a spot that _was_ empty, until a _portal_ appears. It’s tough work keeping his eyes from widening when a man _made of smoke_ steps out of it and says in the same smooth voice, “Ah, you must be Dabi’s new recruit. I’m sorry that Shigaraki and I weren’t here to welcome you.”

“ _You_ might be sorry, but _I’m_ not,” Shigaraki growls as he steps out of the warp hole too. Why he’s covered in dismembered _hands_ is something Deidara doesn’t think he can explain away as ‘hormonal angst’. “What did he put his stats in, charisma? Would it even be worth grinding his level?”

“Maybe a pretty face could draw in more people. You ever think your ugly mug might scare people into being _heroes?_ ” Which seems ironic, coming from _Dabi_ of all people, but who’s Deidara to say anything? “Just kill him if he’s useless — see if I care.”

Shigaraki’s words had mostly gone over Deidara’s head, but Dabi’s are all too clear. “Did you just call me _useless_ , yeah? You sure you can say that when you guys live in a sodden _dump?!_ ”

“You think building a guild is easy, do you? What’re you gonna do, _noob_ , charm me into another base?”

“Nah,” Deidara says with manic cheerfulness, fishing out a handful of clay. “I’m gonna show you _true_ art.”

In the silence that follows, Twice leans over to Toga and loudly whispers, “I think he’s crazy. **He might even be crazier than _me_.**”

Deidara doesn’t bother replying to Twice — he’s busy placing the clay in one of his hand-mouths and chewing into a cute little clay spider. As he’s doing so, he glances at Madara-Tobi and asks, “How many people can you warp, yeah?”

If Madara-Tobi had eyebrows, Deidara gets the feeling he would’ve raised them. “I can open several portals… why do you ask?”

“You might wanna get everyone outta here. Not too far, because you won’t be able to appreciate my art, but down the alley should be fine. Or maybe onto the main street. It’s hard to tell distances when everything’s so closed in, yeah — it’s like Iwa but _worse_.”

“You’re not the party leader — who the hell are _you_ ordering around, noob?”

“What’s an Iwa? Does it _bleed?_ ”

Deidara sets his spider down, gives it a fond pat, and turns to walk out the door. He’s not surprised to feel Shigaraki (who reminds Deidara of a murderous mix of Pein, Danna and Kakuzu) trying to grab at his spider, but he _is_ surprised by the way it almost disintegrates beneath Shigaraki’s touch.

Almost, because there’s art to be had. _Nothing_ gets in the way of good art.

He’s almost out onto the main street when portals ripple around him and the five League members he’d met surround him. Shigaraki looks murderous and Twice, surprisingly, looks _very_ murderous, but Deidara turns and speeds through the necessary hand-signs.

“Behold!” Deidara yells, flinging his arms wide open when he’s done. “Art is a _bang_ , yeah!”

Light flares. Windows smash inwards. A ripple of air, so strong that it almost forces Deidara to his feet, whips at them.

When Deidara’s ears stop ringing, the first thing he hears is Dabi’s disbelieving, “Did you _blow up_ the secret base?”

“It sucked anyway! Now you can get a new one!”

Dabi gives him a slow once-over and folds his arms across his chest. “You know, you might be insane enough to fit right in — if Shigaraki doesn’t kill you first.”

Deidara’s not insane and he’ll tell Dabi at _great_ length later… but as Shigaraki rises from a crater in the ground, screams bloody murder and charges at him, Deidara lets his face split in a grin. If he’s not wrong, Dabi had sounded almost _appreciative_.

_Maybe there’s hope for the League, after all._

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat with me on Discord or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/yihei96) if you liked this story ✿


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